Entertainment

Well, that’s a roundabout way to say “read more”

I’ve been trying really hard to get back in touch with my creative side. I really miss art and crafts and having an imagination that reaches beyond imagining myself either vastly wealthy or living in a dumpster. They say to fake it until you make it, so I’m trying to fake myself into believing I’m still an artistic person.

I’m just a bit starved for ideas, at the moment. And motivation, if I’m honest. Time is a precious commodity and I can’t spare too much on frivolous things like enjoyment.

Writer’s block is a nightmare. Writing is the only creative thing I really have time for, because I can do it literally anywhere I have access to paper and a writing implement. Which is everywhere, because I carry a notebook and pen with me. But nothing comes.

Don’t you just hate that?

I don’t even know what to blog about. I seriously considered doing another diet post, because I don’t know what else to say (that isn’t just… horribly depressing). That’s how deep this writer’s block is going.

On the bright side, with all that time spent not creating things myself, I’ve been reading things other people have created! So, here are a couple books you should pick up, if you like good stories. Continue reading “Well, that’s a roundabout way to say “read more””

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Mental Health

It’s a Trauma Itself, Really

I’ve always been very open about my struggles with mental illness. I talk about my depression and anxiety, and I made no qualms about sharing my PTSD and agoraphobia diagnoses in October. I’m a big advocate of self care and am not ashamed to take time away from things that exacerbate any of those problems. The only way we can end the stigma surrounding mental illness is to talk about it.

However, there has been one thing I’ve struggled with that I’ve yet to share: Hoarding. Continue reading “It’s a Trauma Itself, Really”

Blogtober 2018, Mental Health, Thankful Thursday 2018, Uncategorized

Thankful Thursday: Mental Health Help

You know what I’m really thankful for, lately? All of the mental health assistance I’ve received over the last month and a half. The last six weeks (and the last two weeks in particular) have honestly been kind of life-changing for me. Continue reading “Thankful Thursday: Mental Health Help”

Mental Health

Learning to Live

I apologize for not sticking to my usual post schedule. I’m in a very strange mental/emotional place.

I’m thinking a lot about my future; about where I want to go and what I need to do to get there, which path would be right for me. I know it’s necessary, but it’s still overwhelming to think about.

The last month or so, I’ve kind of forgotten about my non-resolutions I made at the beginning of the year to stop putting so much focus on things that aren’t helping me and/or are causing me extra anxiety. Things like finding a job, getting a date, and learning to drive–all of which have been making frequent appearances in my actual pen-and-paper journal, lately.

I really need to get back on that (off that?), because I’m just getting distracted from my goal.

Unfortunately, I’ve also kind of lost sight of what my goal is. I’m starting to wonder if it was ever really my goal to begin with, or just the goal I adopted because that’s what I’m supposed to do–get a “useful” degree and a well-paying job.

I’ve never really been that great at doing what I’m supposed to.

But, hey, in other news, I went out and took some pictures yesterday! I almost didn’t, because I did something to my neck and was in a lot of pain on Wednesday. I wasn’t 100% yesterday, but I was probably at 90% and I haven’t gone shooting in so long. Plus, I’ve lived in San Diego mostly my whole life (save a few months where I found home), but I’ve never really gone out and explored it very much. Never on my own.

I’ve always made excuses, that not driving is such a hindrance and it’s so inconvenient and it takes so long… And I live my life in a room, alone for the most part.

It needs to end. If I want to have a life, I have to go out and make one.

I started simply, going down to the bay at Liberty Station. I knew where it was, I knew how to get there, and (although I’d never been during the day) I’d been to the area before and knew it was pretty enough to warrant photography.

I was there for about a half hour before I thought to text Matt (who works in the area) to see if he wanted to meet up and hang out before he had to work. He was down and a few hours later we met up, wandered around some of the shops in the area, and had coffee (well, he had coffee, I had cocoa).

So, yesterday was kind of a two-for-one situation–not only did I get out and take pictures (a step toward learning to live my own life), but I also initiated a social interaction (a step toward overcoming my social anxiety).

Matt’s a good friend. I’m really glad I met him. I feel at ease around him. He’s a talker, though. I don’t mind for the most part, I like listening to people talk, but it’s kind of tough to get a word in edgewise. Sometimes I would like to contribute to the conversation, too. At least what he has to say while dominating the conversation is interesting, though. He’s not just talking a bunch of random BS just to hear himself talk.

Of course, I’m horribly sunburned, because I forgot to put on sunscreen and then spent six hours walking around in the sun. Oops.

Hey, being a functional adult can’t happen all at once, right?

I’m going to go bathe in aloe.

I love you all.


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College, Mental Health

What would it be? One-third life crisis?

It’s not a food post, but whatever. I’m having a lot of feelings right now and it’s my blog and I’ll do what I want!

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I’m writing this for queue at just after 5:30 on Thursday. So, when I say “today” I really mean “yesterday,” but that feels really weird to write, right now.

Today, I had lunch before class with Matt, who I feel like I haven’t seen in eons, but it’s actually only been about a month. As I’ve mentioned in the past, he’s delightful. Not really relevant to the post, but I felt like throwing it out there because he bought me lunch and I appreciate that.

Anyway, today at lunch, I mentioned to him that I’m about to turn thirty and I’m feeling rather dissatisfied with where I’m currently at in my life. Of course, Mercury (the planet of communication) is in retrograde, so I did so in a much less articulate way, but I think he got my point. As I’m about to hit thirty, he’s about to hit thirty-one and assured me that nervous, anxious feeling will pass.

I’m inclined to believe him. But, in the meantime, I’m a bit of a wreck.

I feel so very… not adult. And, I don’t mean that in the funny, meme-y way where I haven’t done my laundry in a month and ate an entire bag of Oreos in a sitting and “ugh, adulting is hard.”

I mean it in the I’m unemployed, uneducated, and have no real plan to change that in the near future. I thought I had all this time, but I’m looking around and I honestly don’t know what would happen to me if, Heaven forbid, something happened to my parents. *knocks on all the wood* I have no prospects. I would have to beg to sleep in my best friend’s parents’ guest room and try to find a job.

No wonder I’m single; I’m such a catch, right?

It’s scary. I’m scared.

At lunch, I asked Matt how close he is to transferring. Pretty soon, it turns out. Of course, in conversational reciprocity (and probably some genuine interest), he asked me the same.

“I switched majors last semester from English to STEM. I’m basically starting my college career over.”

Which is and isn’t true, I suppose. When I looked at my educational plan, I do have a number of general education classes that transfer over from one major to another (my social sciences, I’ve met my English requirement obviously, a history class). But, when I look at the number of classes I have to take–high level math and science courses for which I still need to take numerous prerequisites. I’m looking at another two to three years at the community college level. Then, three years at the university level.

When it comes to the number of classes I need to take, I’m basically a freshman.

Meanwhile, all my friends are either getting ready to transfer, or they’ve already graduated, or my little sister is less than a month out from getting her Master’s degree I’m so proud of her I’m bragging on her behalf I know I’m sorry I’ll stop now.

I know I shouldn’t compare myself, but it’s disheartening.

Marketing would be faster. English would be longer (because I want an MFA), but more fulfilling. But, Dietetics lets me make money while keeping me out of a soul-sucking corporate job.

Not to mention, I look at my transcripts and see all those dropped classes and just feel sick to my stomach. That’s going to look horrible when I try to transfer.

I really, really need to buckle down and get this done and worked out. Which I should probably start doing now, instead of writing a blog post about how I need to.

I love you all.


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