Before we start, I want to give a special shout out to Allen at Das Midnight Goose for being the first person to buy something from my Society 6 store! I really hope you enjoy the mug, Allen!
So… diet check in…
Let’s just do this.
Day One (3/1/19): Literally as soon as I walked outside to go to school, I could smell bread baking at Subway. Not the best start. I almost went to get a donut before I remembered I was cutting carbs for the next 31 days. Goddamn it.
This was by far the worst day, for obvious reasons. No one likes starting a diet. I ate a salad for lunch, but didn’t bring my usual after-lunch cookie treat. My body didn’t like that. It was waiting for its cookie and when it realized it wouldn’t get one, it rebelled.
Sugar withdrawal hit hard less than 24 hours since my last sweet treat. I got depressed, irritable, I hated everyone I saw eating ice cream… I cried at one point and offered Pup *ahem* favors in exchange for cake at another. Not my proudest moment.
I ended up getting a horrible headache around 2pm. It wouldn’t go away no matter what I did. I went to bed that evening feeling miserable and in pain, but I stuck to my diet. The first day is always the hardest for me, because it’s the easiest for me to shrug off and go, “Oh, I’ll start next week.”
Day Two: I still had a headache when I woke up, along with some… eh… upset stomach. I’m told this is normal for the first week or two. I hope it passes quickly. I will try to eat more lettuce and other fibrous low-carb veggies.
I made myself breakfast of scrambled eggs and cheese. A lot of cheese, because I can have it. Later, I had some cucumber slices with about a quarter cup of cream cheese. I ate some of that cream cheese straight because it’s the closest thing to frosting I can have. Dinner was chicken, more cream cheese, cheddar cheese, and broccoli cooked into a casserole situation. It was… not… great.
You know, I thought this would be relatively easy for me. Sure, I’d have to give up cookies and ice cream and that would be hard. But, I could still eat bacon and cheese and rich, creamy alfredo sauces!
By the end of day two, I never wanted to eat another piece of cheese as long as I lived.
(Maybe that’s how keto works. It makes you so damn sick of greasy, fatty food that once you’re off the diet you never eat it ever again.)
My mother and I went to Target in the evening, in hopes that I could find Brazil nuts. Target does not sell Brazil nuts. I wanted to burn the store to the ground and piss in the ashes. I’m feeling a little bit irritable from the sugar withdrawals.
Day Three: Grocery day. I hate grocery shopping under the best circumstances. In the throes of sugar withdrawal? Agony. People are a plague on this earth.
But it had to be done. Trying to find food before grocery shopping was tough. We didn’t have much in the way of keto-friendly fare. Nothing but bacon, eggs, cheese, and cucumbers as far as the eye could see.
On the bright side, my headache finally subsided. Still in a bit of gastro distress, but nothing major.
I’d still rip your arm off and beat you to death with it for a cupcake, though.
Day Four: This day started out better than the others. Maybe because I knew I’d be talking to the social worker at school and finding a long-term therapist. I really wanted a donut.
I couldn’t eat my first meal until almost one in the afternoon, because the transit gods have a sense of humor. Normally, I have five-ten minutes between buses/the trolley to eat. Today, I literally arrived to each stop just in time to catch the next one. I was starving by the time I got to school.
Now that we’ve gone grocery shopping, the meals aren’t quite as bad. Still kind of monotonous. Meat, cheese, select veggies. Borrringgg! The lack of variety does nothing to quell my sugar cravings, but at least I didn’t feel like I’d die without them.
No headache, no gastro troubles. I was still feeling a little irritable, but I’m beginning to think that’s just my personality.
Day Five: This was another day where I didn’t get to eat until later in the day (almost two), but it didn’t really bother me much once I got through the morning. I think I was actually more thirsty than hungry, because drinking water helped.
No headache, but I didn’t have a minor stomach ache earlier in the day. Might be the diet, might be stress. It’s hard to say. I was also very fatigued. Like, very fatigued. This prompted me to actually go into My Fitness Pal and input my food diary to check my nutrients. I’m pretty on point, if I say so myself. I’m within 3% of my daily goals for fat and carbs (and dead on for protein). So, I will be monitoring this fatigue. I’m not trying to kill myself to get rid of joint pain, ya know?
Day Six: At this point, I was so sick of meat and cheese, I’m seriously considering vegetarianism once this is over. Of course, my day’s meals consisted of meat, cheese, more meat, even more meat, and broccoli. Broccoli has become my savior. I love broccoli. Broccoli forever!
On the bright side, my cravings mostly diminished by this day. I still wanted things, but I wasn’t hallucinating the smell and taste of Cinnabon anymore. On the not-so-bright side, like I said above, I’m very sick of the food I’m eating. So sick, in fact, that the very idea of eating makes my stomach churn in dread.
I walked by a table of Girl Scout Cookies and said, “No.” A small part of my soul died. Yes, this will perhaps make me healthier, but at what cost?
Day Seven: I think my day can be summed up in the following tweet:
But I kid. I was only, like, a quarter serious about that. I did wonder pretty hard what it would taste like, though.
Honestly, at this point, most of my cravings have dissipated. I would enjoy some toast with my eggs, but I’m not craving it the way I did in those first couple days. I think I’ve burned through all my stored carbs/glycogen and have started to enter ketosis. I’m noticing a lot of common symptoms, like the not-so-fun bad breath, insomnia, and fatigue. But, I’m also noticing that I feel fuller longer and I’m not very hungry through the day. I’ve started only eating two meals a day with no snacks.
I haven’t noticed any of the increased energy or focus common with it, yet. And, of course, no weight loss. But, I’m pretty sure I’m just starting to enter it, so I have to give my body time to burn through the ketones.
Overview So Far: This is not a diet for the weak willed, by any stretch of the imagination. I wasn’t joking about those Cinnabon hallucinations. I could smell it on my fingers and taste it just a little bit when I licked my lips–just enough to tease, but not nearly enough to satisfy. With the exception of feeling fuller and not being very hungry, it’s still too early to see any benefits. I guess I’m not one of those lucky people who lose a bunch of weight in the first week, because I haven’t seen a single drop in poundage.
That’s my biggest worry–I’ll subject myself to this for 31 days and won’t see any of the benefits. Maybe I’ll lose a little weight (it seems like the majority of people see at least some weight loss within the first four weeks), but that’s really not my concern. I’m worried that at the end of everything I’ll be just as listless and in pain as I was before and all of this deprivation will have been for nothing.
I’ll be sure to update everyone when the diet is over (I’m not going to do a post for each week because… I just don’t want my blog to be a diet blog). Fingers crossed that I’ll see at least some positive changes.
Pray for me, kids.
I love you all.
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