I told my therapist on Thursday that I’m having an upswing–feeling good, getting things done. She calls that “the And place.”
She said there are three levels:
The bad place (or “the Or place”) where things are either good OR bad, black OR white, happy OR sad. And usually they were bad and sad. Like Harry Potter and Voldemort, neither can live while the other survives. Chances are, if you’re in “the Or place” it’s because you’re in a bad place (which is why you think bad and good cannot exist simultaneously).
Then there’s “the And place,” which is where most people usually are. It’s a logical place. It’s a place where you can see, “Yes, there is some shitty stuff going on, but also there is some awesome stuff going on, too.” That’s where I’m at, right now.
Then there’s the “Happy Unicorns Farting Rainbows place.” She told me she wasn’t going to call it that, and called it something else, but that’s what stuck in my head because we both know that’s what she wanted to call it (because otherwise why would she even mention it). That’s where someone feels like everything is good, even the bad stuff. She said a lot of deeply religious people can get stuck in that place; that mindset of “everything is part of The Plan and therefore it doesn’t hurt me.” Even though it does hurt because at no point did God say you weren’t going to suffer, Susan. Ok? You can admit things suck; it can still be part of God’s plan. Jesus is there to lift you up, Susan. Are you saying you don’t need Jesus’ help, because everything is fine, Susan? You aren’t beyond Jesus’ help, Susan. Stop being sacrilegious.
That went off the rails.
Anyway, I’m on an upswing. I haven’t gotten everything I wanted to get done, done (I never do). Honestly, I didn’t get even 1/4 of the things I wanted to do done. But, the few things I got done were really important and will have a positive impact on my life in the long-term, so I’m reveling in that accomplishment, right now.
I’ve also been busy AF with all these appointment and meetings–therapy and DSPS took up a really solid chunk of my week. But, I have a diagnosis. I also have a letter that excuses me from group work in my math class because I don’t work well with other people and also says I may have “illness related absences,” which basically means if I miss class it’s excused and I don’t need to provide a note.
And now I feel a lot more comfortable in my math class. Although, admittedly, I do feel a little awkward during group work stuff, because it’s obvious I’m not working in a group so I feel a little singled-out. But, that’s still not as bad as working in a group.
It’s funny. My teacher was actually really excited to see me excused from group work. I’m not sure why it was so important to her that I was. Maybe it’s because I tended to work on my own anyway, since I pick things up quicker than a lot of other kids in class (I originally wrote “kids,” then realized I’m in college and maybe that’s condescending, and then realized that 90% of my class are 18 or 19, so I’m sticking with kids–sorry to the two other people over the age of 25 in my class). I kind of ended up doing all the work, anyway. Maybe. I don’t know. That’s just speculation.
It’s also really nice to be able to leave class early if I have to. I’ve been having a lot of panic attacks in class lately (probably stress-related) and sometimes I just have to go.
So, yea. That letter is a godsend.
In other news!
I’m trying to get back into being social. I stopped going to church for a long while there and fell off the face of the earth. Last week I texted some of my church friends basically apologizing for disappearing and letting them know I wasn’t trying to intentionally ignore anyone. I’m just deal with some stuff. I plan to go to church on Sunday, because I really feel like I need that spiritual reset, right now.
I’m still not entirely sure if this is the right path for me, but I’m going to stick it out until I reach a conclusion.
Now that some of these important tasks are out of the way, I’m hoping I can focus a little more on the day-to-day stuff, like my laundry I haven’t done in three weeks, taking out the trash.
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