So, I’d originally planned for Saturdays to be fashion posts for Blogtober, because I really do enjoy putting outfits together and sharing them. But, honestly, I’m feeling very self-conscious and don’t like how I looked in any of the pictures. The outfit didn’t seem to fit right and looked frumpy and just… I didn’t like it, I didn’t like seeing myself, so I’m scrapping that idea. I’m much more comfortable behind the camera, anyway.
Which leaves me in a bit of a pickle about what to do for Saturdays.
While I try to figure out what to do for the remaining three Saturdays, please enjoy this update about what’s been going on with me, lately.
The last few weeks have been kind of rough, I’m not going to lie. All my motivation to do anything has just up and disappeared on me. Depression is a bitch, witches. Being overwhelmed while being depressed is just the worst. I have my math class (which is always a struggle for me because math and I are not friends), my business class just started, I’m trying to keep up with these Blogtober posts, I’m trying to get character sheets and plot outlines ready for NaNoWriMo next month, I’m looking for a job but no one wants to hire me, I’m trying to learn to drive… I feel like I’m drowning.
I’m going to tell all of you what I told Matt on Thursday when I saw him:
“Individually, they’re small things, but they just keep piling on top of me. It’s a lot to handle.”
That was one of a couple bright spots in my week, though; seeing Matt. Even if it was just for five minutes before class. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it for the rest of eternity; that kid just has a presence around him that calms me right the hell down. I love spending time with him and wish our schedules lined up so we could hang out more often.
Mostly it was nice to have the affirmation that I can reach out to my friends and they will try to be there for me. I’ve always tended to not want to “burden” people with my problems, so if I was in a bad spot I wouldn’t reach out unless they asked. Pup has really been the only person I’ve ever actively sought out comfort from, but he can’t always be there. On a whim, I decided that morning, “You know what? I feel awful and I need a hug from a friend.” So, that’s what I sent Matt and he came through.
It was a really good hug. Good enough that I decided to go to class after all (I was on campus for an appointment with one of the mental health folks in health services and was debating just going home after). He’s taking a really heavy, full-time schedule this semester, plus working full-time, and still carved out a few minutes to sit with me so I’d feel better. My friends (not just Matt, but all my friends) do a lot to help me up, and the least I can do in return is put forth the effort to stay there.
Which actually ended up giving me an idea for a blog post. So, yay!
I haven’t been to church in a couple weeks because I’m just… so tired. I miss it, but I’m just exhausted.
I’m hanging in there, though. I feel an upswing coming.
I love you all.
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