Friday Free-For-All: Let’s Hook Up!

I’m chronically single at the moment. And, while I did say at the beginning the year that I wasn’t going to put forth any effort in regards to romance, it’s impossible to not think about it at all. I’m human and I just want to be loved…

…in very specific ways. Kind of like a cat. Except I won’t scratch your face if you try to take away my food. …okay, exactly like a cat.

I’ve been seriously considering making a new dating profile, despite my first-hand experience and evidence that dating websites are full of assholes and weirdos. It will probably never happen, because of the aforementioned assholes and weirdos, but I’ve still been wondering what I might put into said profile.

And then I decided, hey! I have a blog! Why don’t I just make a post that’s basically my dating profile and then I can just send the link to my potential victims matches! BRILLIANT!

Let’s begin.

Disclaimer: This is a joke. This is not for serious. I am not really this horrible of a person. Or, well, I kind of am, but I’m not quite so blatant and unrepentant about it.

About Me

I’m a really down-to-earth kind of person, with a quiet demeanor and even temper…

…until I’ve known you for longer than a couple weeks. Once I get comfortable with you, I let my neurotic salty self shine through. I’m a Gemini, which basically means I have two personalities and I switch between them on a dime and without warning. One minute, I can be totally chill watching TV with you, then you ask if I want to go get tacos and I go on a thirty-minute diatribe about how building a wall at the border is stupid and ineffective. Maybe I throw something if you disagree with me.

But, I’m pretty cute and I apologize really well for a sociopath, and when I’m in a good mood I can make you feel like royalty, so you’ll probably stick around.

I really enjoy being outside in nature, as long as no bugs or wild animals come near me and I don’t get too dirty. Also, I hate any weather that isn’t a thunderstorm (or at least rainy), but I really don’t like getting wet unless I’m in a swimsuit.

I’m also a writer and photographer, because I’m very creative and unique like every other young woman on the internet.

Also, I have a blog about my life, even though I don’t really do much of anything, but please don’t think I’m self-important. I’m actually pretty modest about how awesome I am.

What I’m Looking For in a Romantic Partner

Well, I’m interested in men and women and everyone in-between and outside of those descriptors. I’m not as interested in what in people’s pants so much as what’s in their wallets, because I’m broke AF. So, I need a partner that’s okay paying for things while I’m in school. But, don’t worry, because I’m totally going to pay you back once I publish my book and become a rich and famous author.

I definitely hold straight cis men up to different standards than everyone else, because honestly so many of you just sicken me so I’ve gotten really picky. Women, trans folks, and nonbinary people are generally pretty amazing by virtue of not being straight cis men. Punk girls are basically perfect.

But, if you’re not a perfect punk girl, here are some things to keep in mind. These are all non-negotiable:

  • You must love cats. I have two and I promise they’re way more important to me than you ever will be. But, you can take solace in the fact that at least I’ll let you on my bed. 😉
  • Understand that I derive most of my erotic fulfillment out of teasing you without following through because the actual physical act of sex is… icky. You should probably be into that sort of deprivation thing, otherwise you’re going to have a very miserable time with me.
  • But don’t be too into deprivation, because when I do want sex, I want it a lot and you should probably be ready for that. Stock up on a snacks because we’re going again in twenty.
  • Shield me from your crazy-ass family, but know full well that it is impossible for me to keep my mother at bay. But, your family is also nuts, so you should be fine. She’s not that scary; those other boys were just wusses. Really.
  • Have a car and be willing to travel. I don’t drive, and you’re definitely not worth spending four hours on a bus for. So, if you want to see me, you gotta come to me. But it’s okay because I’m worth it.
  • Be the kind of person who motivates me to better myself, but don’t you dare try to change anything about me. If you don’t love me exactly as I am, what are you even doing here?
  • Accept that you are hopeless and let me help you. Your clothes suck, your diet sucks, your politics probably suck. But, it’s okay, because I love you and I will help you to become the best version of yourself. You’re welcome.
  • If you’re a dude, please have the sleek, vicious good looks of General Hux but the rugged heart of gold of Poe Dameron.

You Should Message Me If…

You will go above and beyond to help me get that pic for the ‘Gram. Seriously, though, I basically need a personal photographer/chauffer who I can pay with spankings and dirty talk. HMU.


So, what do you guys think? Swipe right? No?

Well, screw you bitch, I was just trying to be nice anyway!

*Please note, I am not actually a sociopath, self-important, or delusional enough to think I’m going to become rich and famous. Punk girls are basically perfect though, and I am poor AF so maybe check out the links below and throw a little coffee my way.

I love you all.


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12 Comments on “Friday Free-For-All: Let’s Hook Up!

  1. Sex usually seems like a really good idea until it’s 10:30 p.m. and I didn’t brush my teeth and I had a long ass day and I have to be up at 4:00 a.m. Then it’s just a chore. And that’s PRECISELY when The Husband Dude is in the mood. LOL

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Are you sure you aren’t serious??? You probably have disappointed so many folks when you said this was a joke. And for the record those other boys really were wusses… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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