I don’t drive. Not only do I don’t drive, but the most important thing I’ve learned while learning to drive is that I’m also very bad at it. So, maybe it’s a good thing I don’t drive. Not only is it a necessity that I take public transit, but it’s also a public service. You’re welcome.
Still, nothing is a better motivator to learn and improve my driving than riding the bus. The city bus is a cesspool of some of the worst humans the world has to offer. Case in point.
It’s not just people getting up in your personal space that you have to look forward to, however.
Here are three of my favorite things about riding the bus (that is such heavy sarcasm, I pulled a muscle just writing it).
Now, I don’t mind people who stand up when the bus is crowded, even if they do block the aisle (because it’s not like there’s anywhere else to stand on a bus except the aisle). Obviously, I’d much rather someone stand than, say, sit on someone and invade their personal space (I WILL NEVER LET IT GO).
What I’m talking about is when half the seats on the bus are open, but someone still decides they’re going to stand right in the front near the driver, so everyone getting on the bus has to squeeze around them. I tend to see this a lot with people who decide to carry on long conversations with the driver.
Which, by the way, instills exactly zero confidence in me that the driver won’t crash. I do not want to ride on a bus while the driver is distracted talking to their buddy about Sheila’s sister’s nephew’s birthday party.
Save that shit for when we park.
I have seen more unintentional man-ass on public transit than I have intentionally seen anyone’s ass in any other situation. And I lived and shared a bed with Pup for three years, so I’ve intentionally seen a fair amount of ass.
I’m not sure what it is about public transit that just makes people want to get naked, but at least once a month I end up getting an eyeful of crack. Sometimes it’s subtle; someone’s pants slipping down as they sit. Other times, I can’t help but do a double take; like the time I saw a dude with his pants basically pulled down and sitting bare-assed on the seat (there was no way that much exposure was due to slippage–his entire giant ass was hanging out).
Although, on further consideration, that might just be something unique to my experiences. None of my friends who have ridden the bus can recall seeing quite so many backsides.
Almost as often as I have to see someone’s bare ass, I have to listen to the music of someone who’s never heard of headphones. People come on the trolley (it’s almost always the trolley) with music blaring out of their portable speakers. Apparently, they think everyone just needs to hear L’il Mumbler’s newest song, “No One Can Understand My Lyrics Until I Get to the Word Fuck, Which I Will Shout Loud and Clear Twenty Times in Succession.”
Seriously, they always seem to be broadcasting mumble rap. Or, on occasion, what I assume by the quality is their own mixtape. I’m not sure what these people are expecting when they blast the demo they recorded in their mom’s basement on their free iPhone recorder app. Do they think some music producer is going to just happen to get on the trolley in San Diego and “discover” them? Because I’m pretty sure that’s not how that happens in the real world.
But, even L’il Mumbler’s mixtape is better than the live performances some people expose us all to. I get it; you love this song! It’s your jam! You’re rocking out! You just gotta sing it loud, from the depths of your soul!
Too bad you sound like a dying cat. No one sounds as good out loud as they do in their head.
No one. Knock it off.
If you ride public transit, try to be mindful of your fellow passengers. After all, you don’t want some salty bitch writing a blog post about your foolishness, do you?
I love you all.
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