I’m chalking the negative feelings I’m having towards some friends up to Mercury Retrograde and the fuckery it’s conducting with communication. I don’t usually “feel” Mercury Retrograde, because communication and decision making is always a nightmare for me (thanks, anxiety), but I’m feeling this one, I think.
I’m just really sick of some of the people in my life having to be contrary all the time. Especially on Facebook, where I would say probably half of my friends there are people I’ve never actually met, but have known online for 10+ years. Lately it seems like the only times people want to comment on something is to rain on the parade.
People just seem to feel a need to be negative, no matter what. If I post something, I either get no responses, or negative responses. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t bother commenting on people’s posts, because why should I? And, maybe that’s petty and juvenile of me, but it’s frustrating when it feels like I don’t get out of a friendship what I put in.
Admittedly, sometimes the negative responses are more commiserative; like I make a post about being frustrated with school and someone chimes in, “I’m in the same boat,” or, because I’m thirty and most of my friends have kids, “My kids feel the same way.” Which is cool, that’s fine. But, if you’re going to respond to someone who is venting, at least acknowledge what the other person has said, yea?
And, okay, I know that’s probably nitpicky. But, whenever someone responds to one of my posts venting about school to vent themselves, without even acknowledging that I’m going through something, like not even a, “That sucks. Bummer,” it just feels like they were waiting for an opportunity to talk about their problems and they don’t really care that I’m going through something. Commiserating is great, if you actually acknowledge that you’re both going through the thing.
It’s not just posts, either. Like, I understand, maybe not everyone wants to get all mushy where a bunch of people can see. Posts tend to feel a little less serious, so I understand that not everyone is going to respond to them the way they would privately. But, this happens a lot when I message people to talk, too. People like to tell me often, “If you ever need to talk, I’m here,” but when I message them, they almost immediately turn the conversation to what they’re going through. And it’s like, I still feel exactly the way I did before, except now someone has written proof of it.
I’m always more than happy to share my friends’ posts about causes they’re interested in or fundraisers or whatever, but I will specifically ask people, “Hey, it would mean a lot if you could share this thing for me,” and either they just never respond, or they say they will and never do.
It just feels like I have such a lack of actual support and I’m so tired of it.
Maybe that’s why, even after the emotional nightmare Pup put me through a few years ago, I’m still not willing to let go of him. Like, yea, he did a horrible thing to me, but he’s also always supported me, always been there to listen if I needed him, very rarely turns the conversation to issues he’s dealing with, and on the rare occasions he has it’s usually been to relate to what I’m talking about in an attempt to help (like, learning from his experiences kind of thing). Like, he fucked up really, really, really bad, but at least he cares.
It’s getting to the point where I want to start culling friendships, but that might be the retrograde talking. I mean, this isn’t a new feeling for me, this lack of support, but it’s much more intense, right now. In my objective brain, I’m sure it’s just a matter of telling people when this happens, “Hey, this makes me feel bad.”
I don’t know. I’ll come back to this once retrograde has passed.
I love you all.
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Hi, there! I’m Adie and this is my blog! I’m a thirty-year-old humanoid from sunny San Diego, CA. I’m a student (dietetics), a writer, a photographer, an agnostic witch, a cupcake aficionado, and a compulsive maker of lists. From Adie, with Love is a personal blog; a place for me to talk about whatever pops into my head.
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