Excuse me while I scream incoherently into the void

My classes this semester are making me completely rethink my entire educational plan. This is not actually a bad thing.

School is stressful. This semester in particular has just been a nightmare unlike anything I have experienced before (I literally cannot miss one more day or either class without being dropped; it’s not even half-way through the semester). Every morning on my commute, all I can think is, “I cannot believe I am subjecting myself to this much anxiety. Why am I subjecting myself to this much anxiety?”

And that, my dear witches, is a good question.

Why am I subjecting myself to this much anxiety? What is it that I am trying to gain from school, and is what I’m trying to gain what I really want?

Which requires me to ask and answer the question: What do I really want?

A couple years ago, Pup bought me the Self Authoring suite developed my Dr. Jordan Peterson. I kind of played around with it, and it’s interesting and a little helpful. Pup suggested I use it to see if I can sort some stuff out. I figured, why not?

I did the first part of the Future Authoring program, which concludes with a fifteen minute free-write of what your ideal future looks like. I’ll spare you the details, but here’s what I mostly took away from it:

I am so on the wrong path.

I don’t want a fancy, super high-paying job with money to burn. I want to save enough money to put a down payment on a small house somewhere that is not San Diego (I specifically say outside of Denver, but really it could be anywhere that is not San Diego or Los Angeles) and earn enough money to pay my mortgage and my bills and have a little left over to put in a savings/retirement account. My ideal future involves gardening and chickens and writing and crafting.

My ideal future does not include telling people what they should eat, or why. It does not include lab coats or intermittent sighing at people who aren’t sticking to their Diet(tm). It doesn’t include sitting in a cold, sterile office looking at charts and cholesterol levels. It really doesn’t include anything which requires a degree, at all.

Of course, that’s my ideal future and I know that getting to that ideal means I’m going to have to slog through some shit. It’s easier to slog when you have a degree, so I think I still want to (or at least still plan to) get a degree. But, whether I’m going to stick with nutrition or go back to one of my previous majors… we’ll see. Nutrition is interesting and I’d like to understand it. I’m not sure if I want to devote the next six years of my life to what I want to be a temporary situation.

My school offers a number of certification programs and A.A. degrees. I’ve been looking at the long-game, and I think I stressed myself out too much worrying about, “Oh, but I need this to transfer here to enroll in this Bachelor’s/Master’s program…” I think maybe instead I should worry about developing a skill; even if I don’t have an advanced degree, at least I’ll have the skill.

Of course, my ideal future also changes at the drop of a hat, so who knows. That all might be totally meaningless by tomorrow morning. I just needed five minutes to think about something other than alge-blah and blah-ology. BLAH.

I love you all.


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5 Comments on “Excuse me while I scream incoherently into the void

  1. I have a Ph.D. in history and I’ve never used it for anything. Everything I’ve learned for my job I’ve learned on my own. Degrees don’t always matter. Find something you can face every working day, maybe feel even a little bit passionate about.

    Liked by 1 person

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