On Wednesday, I went to a Galentine’s party with a girl I met at church, Alex. I forced myself to go because I’m trying very hard to meet new people and step out of my comfort zone. It was definitely out of my comfort zone.

That’s not to say it wasn’t fun, it just wasn’t quite what I expected. There were only four of us there and it didn’t take long to figure out I was the oldest in the room by at least five years. It was strange listening to these women in their early twenties talking about things akin to “I’m not getting any younger.” Not that they’re “too young” to be saying such things (I don’t know what kind of experiences these young women have had and I’m no one to tell anyone how they should feel), it just seemed so strange.

Did I say things like that at twenty-three? I don’t think so. Of course, when I was twenty-three, I was living with my boyfriend, had a job, and spent a lot of time with friends. I had it together at twenty-three. It was twenty-five where everything fell apart.

Anyway, that felt odd to me. Also, it was very clear that these young women were already pretty close and had a lot in common, which definitely made me feel like an outsider. They’re around the same age, so they’re going through similar things; they have similar jobs; they’re all church friends, so they have the same religious beliefs…

Let’s talk about that, for a moment.

I feel so very out of place at church. On my first visit, I thought it was mostly the anxiety, but each time I’ve gone I just feel… not like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but like a sheep in wolf’s clothing, trying to sneak through the pack. The sense of community is amazing–everyone is very friendly.

It’s just that I can’t help but wonder if they would be that friendly if I had met them outside of church and they knew I wasn’t “one of them.” I understand it’s church, but all conversations end up going back to God.

I joked with Pup that I feel like I accidentally joined a cult.

Speaking of Pup, oddly enough, I’m finding it difficult to let go of the romantic aspect.

It feels odd to me that, when we hang out, he leaves at the end of the night, now. I’m sure it’s just something I need to get used to, but there’s also a nagging voice in the back of my mind that tells me I’ve made a huge mistake, that my considering politics a deal breaker is just me being oversensitive, that aside from that he complements me perfectly, that all relationships take work, that just because we disagree on certain issues doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person or even a bad person for me. After all, he’s been unendingly supportive of me (even in regards to my political beliefs), always does his best to help when I need, is thoughtful and certainly make me think…

I get this irksome little din telling me that the reason I feel like I couldn’t be with him is because of my mental illness. That I’m taking a small conflict and blowing it up as an excuse to push him away–because he’s not absolutely perfect, he must be inherently bad for me. This is something I do a lot.

Which leads me into what is possibly the greatest cause of stress in my life, at current:

I need to be re-diagnosed.

I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was still in high school. And while I definitely tick the boxes for both, there are other issues I have that generally aren’t included on those lists: severe mood swings, intense and irrational anger (far beyond the realm of irritability), sharp fluctuations in how I view others (angel/devil dichotomy; either I idealize them or hate them with little in between and that opinion changes quickly and often over minor, irrational things).

The last couple years I’ve been doing some research, trying to figure out if I can explain these symptoms with the depression or anxiety–maybe I was just having really intense bouts, right?

Recently, I’ve come to the realization that I may have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People who’ve experienced abusive childhoods (like, say, an older brother who physically assaulted them well into their teens) are at risk of developing BPD. I hit a lot of the symptoms and it would explain why I’m so back-and-forth in my relationship with Pup, among other things.

BPD is… kind of a big deal, though. It’s difficult to manage and often requires professional assistance. Without treatment, chances increase that other chronic mental illnesses can develop. But, I can’t afford to see a therapist regularly for treatment.

I can’t even afford to see one to get a proper diagnosis to find out if I even have it.

So, I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed. It’s rough, but I’m trying to hang in there.

I love you all.

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19 Comments on “Overwhelmed

  1. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (among other things) in high school. I am 34 and have mostly grown out of a lot of the issues it brought me but it took a lot of work and retraining my brain. If you ever need some support I am here for you. If you can find any resources on dialectical behavior therapy that may be helpful as well. Sending you love

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi. Re the romance/politics topic, did you ever see 6 Feet Under? There’s a scene where Claire an art student goes out on a date with a Republican. She is horrified, but they are made for each other.
    Loads of resources out there for BPD, you could look up DBT self help. I know diagnosis can be very important but please don’t let it detract from how awesome you are!

    Liked by 2 people

    • I’ve never watched it, no. I know people who are in relationships with people who have drastically different political beliefs from themselves. I just get soooo angry when we talk about it–like irrationally, violently angry. That’s part of why I think there might be an underlying issue with my own mental health.

      Thank you. I try not to worry too much about getting a “proper” diagnosis–I think self-diagnosis can be just as valid if the person has done their research (not everyone can afford a therapist and even professional misdiagnose). It’s just that knowing for sure can definitely help so I can look into the right resources and I would also need a professional diagnosis to register with my school’s Disability Support Program Services. That would help me so if, say, I have a panic attack I could be excused from class without it affecting my attendance grade. If I’m not registered with DSPS, there’s no proof that I have panic attacks, etc…

      Liked by 1 person

    • It’s difficult to pinpoint specific issues, because a lot of things we do actually *ultimately* agree on–racism is bad, homophobia is bad, sexism is bad. He’s very, very big on protecting free speech, though. I don’t think the neo-nazis should be allowed to have their rallies, because they’re basically attempting to start a war–inciting violence. He believes their right to free assembly and speech should be protected, as long as they are not inciting *immediate* violence.

      Ex: “We need to take our country back from the non-whites.” Stupid, but protected. “We should attack that group of non-white people over there now.” Intervention and prevention is needed. Whereas I believe intervention and prevention are needed in both accounts.

      He also doesn’t understand the difference between actual beliefs and venting frustrations, so he gets personally offended when I say things like, “Men are assholes,” because I’ve been dealing with a lot of asshole men.

      That sort of stuff.


  3. Friend, I’m sending a cyber hug, because real hugs are awkward AF and don’t touch me 😜.
    I feel you on so many points you touched here. I’ve often felt I don’t deserve people because of my fucked up head, too. Also, I can’t afford mental health treatment either. It pisses me off to no end that mental health help is really only reserved for the elite. A regular Joe can’t afford $50 a week (that’s WITH insurance) to see a therapist. So, sadly I have no real solutions for you other than to remind you that you are not alone. I’m also here as support and sometimes mild comedic relief ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you. ❀ Yea, I've looked into therapists in my area and the going rate per session is between $120 and $150. Even if I only go every other week, that's $300 a month just to sit and talk for an hour. If I have to be put on medication, I would have to pay for all that, too. It's a mess.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I forgot to mention that our university offers cheap (and sometimes free) counseling to provide their counseling students experience. They are almost done with school and are using the visits as hours, I think. Can you look into something like that?

        Liked by 1 person

        • My school is a community college, so we wouldn’t have anything like that, because the students wouldn’t be getting their degrees through our school. But, maybe SDSU or UCSD offers something like that. I’ll look into it. Thanks!

          That reminds me, I do know our school offers student health services, but I’m not sure what (if any) mental health services they provide. I don’t think they’d be able to offer diagnostics, but it might still be worth looking into.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Romance/Politics: Real life situation. I’m a total dippie hippe, crunchy granola, liberal-esque, witchity pagan. My husband: hillbilly, poor white boy, career soldier who is recently retired from blowing things up for a living….Republican moderate. We shouldn’t be a match. We’re a match. It’s weird. We’ve been together something like 11 years now. He rarely makes me angry. He’s also learned to like Middle Eastern food. He never questions my pagany beliefs (hey he knew what he was getting into; we were friends previously for years), never jacks up any of my sage cleansings of the house, and will give incense offerings to Hestia when I am gone.

    I have nothing on the BPD. :-/

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yea, Pup is actually very respectful of my beliefs, both political and spiritual. He actually enjoys talking politics with me because he says he loves my passion on the subject. So, the issue is definitely with me. I don’t mean to get angry and when I’m not in the moment I can look back and think that these differences ultimately a) aren’t very different–our core beliefs line up pretty well, and b) aren’t very big deals. Which is why I think my mental illness is playing a part.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mental illness? Or maybe just insecure a bit? My husband was like that at first as well. “We are nothing alike. She’s a liberal. I’m a conservative. Blaaaaaaaah.” I just looked at him and told him to quit being stupid.

        Stop thinking so much ❀

        Liked by 1 person

        • I appreciate your support. I truly do. I offer my sincere thanks for your advice. ❀

          I have been battling with mental illness for more than a decade. It's not just a matter of being insecure or thinking too much–I get violently angry over these things. Like I mentioned in my post, my opinions of people switch with a snap, between idealization and hatred. These are not conscious decisions I make because I'm overthinking; they are the immediate reactions my brain has and spending a lot of time thinking about them is the only way to realize that they're wrong.

          Again, I appreciate your support and that you want to help. Knowing that there are couples out there who also have conflicting beliefs is extremely helpful and really does make me feel better. However, having my very real issues with mental illness questioned as just being "insecure" is extremely invalidating. Believe me, I wish I was just being insecure.


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