Mental Health

Mental Health Update

Happy New Year! Again.

It’s the start of a new year, and it’s Monday, and even though I have non-resolutions instead of resolutions, one of my overall goals is to update this blog on a more concise schedule. Something like Blog-tober, but not daily because I still need time to study and not panic about self-imposed deadlines.

Monday starts with “M” and “M” is for “Mental Health.”

I’m doing a lot better than I was a couple weeks ago. I think a lot of that was just the shock of the end of the semester. As you may know, last semester was the first semester in years that I took classes on campus. Previously, all my classes had been online to allow flexibility for my work schedule.

This meant developing a solid routine, even if it was “just” two days a week. The semester ending meant the end of my routine. Suddenly days that had previously been filled with studying and working on essays (which meant writing regularly, even if it wasn’t what I’d pick to write for myself, and that always makes me happy) loomed out before me, empty and without direction. When I used to know that I would get out of the apartment on my own a couple times a week, I now had nowhere to go.

Suddenly, there was all this free time and I didn’t have half a clue how to fill it.

Now that I’ve had a couple weeks to adjust, I’m feeling less overwhelmed by the sheer amount of time I have.

That’s not to say that I’m feeling 100%. Not by a long shot. I still have to force myself to shower and my sleeping schedule is all messed up. Pup has been sick with pneumonia, so I haven’t had much social interaction besides my mom. Ash has been out of town visiting his family for the holiday, so we haven’t had an opportunity to make any plans to hang out now that we won’t be seeing each other twice a week (but I have my fingers crossed). I’m feeling a little lonely.

Matt pretty much dropped off the face of the earth after Christmas (when he replied to my generic send-it-to-everyone Christmas text with his own generic “thanks, you too” response). I tried texting him again a few days later, asking how his holiday went, but he never got back to me, which is really disappointing. We really only talked for a few weeks at the end of the semester there, but he was that rare breed of person that I just felt instantly comfortable talking to. Normally, when I talk to people, even nice people I’ve talked to before, I feel jittery because I still don’t want to say the wrong thing. I didn’t feel that jitteriness when I’d talk to Matt (of course, I would feel that embarrassed “why did I say that” afterwards, but I’m like that with my own family, sometimes). It’s kind of a bummer that he doesn’t seem interested in keeping in contact.

It makes me feel a little paranoid about going to the restaurant he works at. I don’t want to run into him and have him think I’m trying to run into him. But, they also have really good food and I still really want to try that bacon brownie. So, I guess he makes me anxious, after all.

While I’m no longer feeling overwhelmed by the amount of time I have available to me, I am feeling overwhelmed by the amount of cleaning I have to do. If you follow me on Instagram, you might have noticed in the clip I posted last night that my craft table is buried under so much junk I’ve taken to calling it my “crap table.”

I know that the only way to feel less overwhelmed by all the stuff is to have less stuff. But, I’ve already gotten rid of so much, the thought of getting rid of even more makes my stomach drop. All that wasted money….

Honestly, sometimes I wish I could hard reset my life.

But, as frustrating as all that is, they’re actually minor bumps in the grand scheme of things. They suck to deal with, but they’re not unmanageable they way they felt two weeks ago. I can breathe. I’m not waking up in a panic.

I’ll survive.

I love you all.

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