Yesterday, I wrote the rough draft of my first essay for my English class. I printed out two hard copies and stuck them in my folder so I would be prepared for our peer review discussion in class. I was done. I was ready. I was proud of myself.
Today, I crawled out of bed at 7:47am, turned the air conditioner back on, then crawled back into bed and cried for an hour and a half.
I don’t know why I was so sad. I still don’t know why I’m so sad. I’m not sick. I don’t have a fever, there isn’t gross stuff coming out of my body (unless you count my foul language). My brain just isn’t a normally functioning brain today, so I stayed home to work on that.
I’m trying not to be disappointed in myself. It’s a thing that happens, sometimes. Some people get the flu, so they miss school or work. Some people have kids who get the flu and need to be taken care of, so they miss school or work. I happen to get depression and anxiety that makes me feel like I might actually die if I go outside today, so I miss school or work.
It’s like my brain has the flu. I have the brain flu.
No one wants you to go outside when you have the flu, because you’re breathing all your germs and making them sick. It’s the same principle here, except instead of breathing germs on them and making them sick, I’m more likely to feel personally attacked and start crying.
People hate dealing with a crying stranger. It’s awkward and sad.
Like other people don’t want to spread their germs, I don’t want to spread my awkward sadness. You’re welcome.
But, it’s hard not to be disappointed in myself. There’s always going to be that voice in the back of my head saying I should have tried harder to get past it. Like Luke Skywalker, my old mentors urge me in my head to use my training. I can hear my old therapist, my ex-boyfriend, and most of my high school friends saying, “Exposure therapy! Breathing exercises! You’re stronger than you realize!”
Well, today, I’m strong enough to realize that I’m not strong enough, today. Maybe I’ll be strong enough tomorrow. I’ll definitely be strong enough on Tuesday, because not getting dropped depends on it. But, not today.
Today I’m strong enough to know my weakness.
I love you all.
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